Thursday, October 18, 2007 @Thursday, October 18, 2007
` Had a kinda nice dream last night which worried me non-stop because it meant something really bad. Well it was. So i made up my mind to avoid him at all costs. Unfortunately it all came to naught.
Okaye, turns out that yesterday during the collection of money in the SFE room, apparently a Sec 4 guy was unhappy with me ( scene was this : lady said $10 missing so i went to look for him then when he went to the room she said that the money was not short. ) and later , he called me along with Joan and started his talking which reduced me to tears. And he went on saying , " You can't keep crying. what would the sec 4s think of the student council then ? They wouldn't want to come for Graduation Night. Graduation Night is a time for them to enjoy etc. "
Fine, so its like 70% MY fault. But he said he was trying to help us. with that kind of tone , what do you mean by trying to help us? I understand that you meant well , but what ? You said you've been out the whole day (yesterday) and things (in school) aren't going that well and you should have know. (Like i'd known in the first place.) Its just not fair.
No wonder so many things happen to you. You realise that you're losing so many, even the ones you hold dearest to you. Yet, you sometimes take your temper out on us , reducing us to nothing but either being maligned or angry. What is wrong with you sometimes. Its not our fault that these things happen sometimes. Why do you fail to see that ? Its like you dont give a damm about our feelings everytime and we care for yours. Already there are people unhappy and not liking you that much as before already.
How many more do you intend to lose before you start to realise it?
/will continue later. don't think i can use the computer in school alr. before i trash the keyboard out of anger. I'm so mad and sad and really really really disappointed. Why?
" HIIIIIIE LION ! " (told to do so by lion. ) - (=]
/continued :
so, it must have wondered alot to the readers, those around me and possibly even you why am i crying so much recently. i've been so emotionally unstable nowadays(nothing dangerous).
I have so much inside me which i want to say. But i can't. There's so much worry inside me but i can't say it either. Its so suffocating and torturing. And its like i have no one to turn to. The troubles never seem to end. But i don't run away from it. Nor do i go looking for it. Yet, in the end i'm faced up with these things. But this could be solved. So many could be. The most hurting and disappointing thing was whenever i'm faced up about you. You and your problems. Yes, you may think , " i didn't ask you to bother. " . Fine. i don't. And you can be left alone with your pool of troubles. But i don't like to see you that way. I don't like seeing you suffer alone. Why? Why?
So many people have asked me this. What i don't say is because i really care for your well-being. Whether i have feelings for you or not. But its always useless. Useless useless useless USELESS!
I don't understand myself.You've changed way too much for me and others to comprehend.One day you're like yourself and the next , you've disappeared. Away from us. Its like , we still see you , but its not the guy whom we know. Its not the person that we all know. Yes i'm talking about you. I don't know how much effect would this have on our friendship. But somehow , i seriously doubt that we even have one now ! You take others for granted (sometimes) you can't thank them. you take your temper out on them(most of the times). We bear , we keep quiet. Why? If it was in the past , sure, we respected you. Why? you deserved it , after all you had done for the council and us. But now ? They talk behind your back. They don't like you that much. They HATE you. HATE.
I don't think you know. If you did , you would fall. Really really fall. And who do we have to come for support then? They may have others, but i don't. I trust you the most , out of every others. I believed in you and trust that you wouldn't bring trouble. Sure you didn't. But you did for yourself. If i could say all this to your face , you'd probably say some hurting things or slap my face or something.
I want so much the old you back. So much that i'm willing to give up things which i want. I don't mind not being able to be with you(as another). But if i could just see you the way you really are /were , do you know how glad others would be. Maybe you think inside you haven't really changed , but to all of us , you really did. You really really did. But i don't think you know.
I care for you. Too much. And i want to let go , but i can't. I really don't want all this pain about you. All this tears which i have to shed. Inside i know you're not worth it. But i can't stop my heart and eyes from crying. Its not fair that i have to suffer. all alone.
Yt'
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